Friday, August 5, 2011

Ant Stories Redux The Complete Compilation In One Post!

Someone asked me to combine all the posts into one, so here you are.

Imagine a bunker underground WWII style as ants have yet to embrace cell phone technology and computers.
teletypes clattering in the background... assistants on hand crank phones calling out new positions to the staff pushing with long sticks ants and armor on a huge battlefield board showing the battle engagement...their target THE HOUSE...

Lets listen in as the general is speaking ,

General Alfred De Bug

" All right men. This has been a long thought out plan to attack this house. We have taken on the whole neighborhood, but this has been our prime objective after all. " He paused for a moment, removing his helmet and wiping some beads of sweat from his feelers. " We first breeched the front lawn from the street, a beached head of sorts, sneaking in undercover of grass and weeds. One of our men discovered a way to cross over to the next lawn using the cracks on the sidewalks which takes us closer to our main objective, THE HOUSE."

An aide-de camp rushed in with further updates which he handed to the general, saluted crisply and went on his way. "We have disguised our selves as innocent little ant hills, seemingly scattered around, not attracting much notice. So far our man target seems not to notice or care." The general lights up another ever present cigarette. "We have suffered few casualties so far. It is to be expected, but when you have a force of hundreds of thousands it won't slow us down for a moment. We ants are relentless, working night and day and we will ultimately be victorious." Remember the grasshopper wars, we worked, they played, and well, we know how that turned out! Victory", he snarled.

We take you now to the battlefield in question, where the homeowner, oblivious to it all is out cutting the grass. Reaching for the ever present cigarette, oops, he doesn't smoke, he is heard to remark " I am seeing ant hills by the street which I have noticed showing up around the neighborhood on my daily walks. I am sure it is nothing, but a few hits of bug spray should do the trick. This stuff is nasty" he muttered.
Little did he know, the nasty stuff was just beginning.

Let us now go on to the battlefield.  Here we have a sergeant talking to a young solider.

"What is the matter son" he said. "Sarge, how about a break? We have been going non stop for weeks, 24-7, and I am tired, I tell you I am so tired." said the weeping soildier.
"Son, snap out of it. Remember the mission and remember the Queen. We are doing it all for her."
"The Queen? Are we English Sarge? I hate monarchies."
"Not that kind of queen son" replied the Sarge "We have to do this to keep her alive. If she dies, we all die. Now get back in there and fight. Now what are you doing? he said. "Why the Queen's wave, of course" said the solider as he ran back to the grassy battlefield.

Back at headquarters... ( to make life simpler, the ants all have the same last name )
"General De Bug sir, we are running out of food, the men are starving and I don't know what to do." said Capt. Bug.
"I have good news said the General. The weeds that have been sprouting faster then the man target can pull have been a tremendous source of food. The roots are going to save us all. We are building nests underground everywhere and the good news they are almost invisible. We will be fine."

Back to the homeowner...
"Wow, is it hot today, bad time to be weeding" he said. "Let me weed along the fence where the pavers are, weeds aplenty. What's this? When I move the brick to get the weeds, ants are pouring out all over!" he cried.
"This is starting to get serious"

He didn't know how serious it was becoming...

General De Bug is speaking to the troops...

"Men, things are going quite well at the moment" he said as he paced back and forth. He stopped and reached for a pointer and stood in front of the huge wall map. "We have made our way into the yard and are approaching  the huge paver walk way that leads inside the house. Our objective is to tunnel between each piece which is supported by sand and get a foothold to get into the house".  Pointing at the map he gave out instructions and sent them on their way

Back to the battlefield...

"Hey Sarge said one of the solider ants, Do we get to wear a miner's hat, you know, the one with the light on while we tunnel? That would be so cool and a lot of fun and would help us see better." "Son, we don't need to see to do what we need to do. Seeing is optional for ants, not really necessary", said Sarge. "That would explain the lack of fashion sense with the uniforms we wear", the solider said grinning.

The soldier continued talking, " So this is like a scene from the movie "The Great Escape" but we are trying to break in instead of out? "Can I play Steve McQueen, he gets to ride a motorcycle and is so cool..."
"Son. said the Sarge. what's a movie?" "Never mind" sighs the soldier.

Onward to the homeowner...

"Oh great, now they are in the pavers. This is starting to get nasty and serious and expensive."
He didn't know how nasty and serious and expensive it would get.


The general is speaking to the troops

"Men, I think we should take a moment to thank the first ants to the scene years ago who set the stage for this invasion, The Fire Ants! Hated by all, they cut a path of destruction causing pain with their bites everywhere they went! Let's give them a big hurrah!" he yelled. "Hurrah!" the men yelled back.

Back in the staffing room, reports are coming in from everywhere. "General we have a report saying that we have breached the house walls and are in" said a shapely female bug attendant. (Gratuitous mention of a woman in this story. The surviving queen usually kills all other females.) The General gruffly replied "I will need you to go over that report with me later". "Of course General" as she saluted and walked away. He thought to him self, "She looks like Laura Croft, with extra legs of course"

Back to the house in question

"Sarge, it sure is spooky in here. Where are we?" said the soldier "We are in the walls son. We will use them to get to the kitchen, and get to the man food." "Sarge I have heard of man food. Is it true what they say, all sweet and sticky and crumbs everywhere and and....." "Snap out of it son." yelled the Sarge " I need you to focus on the job at hand. I wish I could read the map, kind of dark in here." "Hey Sarge, let me turn on my helmet light." the soldier grinned.

Headquarters

Teletype chattering away...
Lots of noise and confusion... yelling...
"man is using air power dropping some type of pellets from the sky, spraying everywhere, liquid destruction dropping on the men, it is an all out attack everywhere... casualty reports escalating...

Man target
"I wonder if this bug killer and spraying is doing any good?" he pondered

We now take you to the Ant House where the president is about to speak...

"Ladies and gentlemen and all ships at sea. We have received word from very good sources that the man has WBD, or better know as weapons of bug destruction. We have received photos from the man house showing him using the weapons in question. Put them up on the screen." he said.

"We have a navy now? " said one soldier to another. "Nah, he just likes to say that, sounds cool to him."
"Oh, Okay". And they turn back to the screen and the president.

"The first picture shows a girl in a bikini? Where did that come from? " he yelled. "Sorry Mr. President, said the aide. It is Florida and they got carried away with the camera."

As the news conference carried on...

We take you back to headquarters...

"General Sir cried the aide de camp, We got word that one of the outside buildings has been torn down cutting off our best access to the kitchen." "Heavy casualties resulted and that battalion was wiped out and hauled away with the garbage. The man had built it for outside storage and now it is gone. Oh the humanity!"
"Son, we are ants" said the General  "Sorry General said the aide, I was was watching the History Channel last night and got carried away."

To the battlefield and the man ...
"I wonder if taking down that storage had any affect on the ants," he pondered
He sure ponders a lot.

We now take you to the Ant House where the president is about to speak...

"Ladies and gentlemen and all ships at sea. We have received word from very good sources that the man has WBD, or better know as weapons of bug destruction. We have received photos from the man house showing him using the weapons in question. Put them up on the screen." he said.

"We have a navy now? " said one soldier to another. "Nah, he just likes to say that, sounds cool to him."
"Oh, Okay". And they turn back to the screen and the president.

"The first picture shows a girl in a bikini? Where did that come from? " he yelled. "Sorry Mr. President, said the aide. It is Florida and they got carried away with the camera."

As the news conference carried on...

We take you back to headquarters...

"General Sir cried the aide de camp, We got word that one of the outside buildings has been torn down cutting off our best access to the kitchen." "Heavy casualties resulted and that battalion was wiped out and hauled away with the garbage. The man had built it for outside storage and now it is gone. Oh the humanity!"
"Son, we are ants" said the General  "Sorry General said the aide, I was was watching the History Channel last night and got carried away."

To the battlefield and the man ...
"I wonder if taking down that storage had any affect on the ants," he pondered
He sure ponders a lot.

We now join a press conference from the Ant House being broadcast on Fix News...

"And so we have picked up two allies in our fight to bring democracy to the world" said the President. " Our wonderful friends the Roaches and the Wasps have joined with us in our battle with the man!"

"Democracy? We are workers who do the same thing day in and day out  and are run by a queen. What is he talking about?" said one soldier to another. Ah, that is what is called a sound byte. Sounds good to the ears, changes public perception on our war and we can do what we want" said the other soldier. "Let's see what the general has to say.

To the battlefield...
"Men, by now you have heard the wasps and roaches have signed up with us. Here is how it will work. The wasps will build nests at strategic points around the house while the BAR ( big ass roaches ) will sneak in and distract the man. Then we can continue to invade the kitchen getting water and food. Victory will be ours!" yelled the General.

"General, we have a report that the wasps are under attack and our outside entry points have been sprayed down. Heavy losses are being reported. We have not heard back from the roaches as of yet. We fear that they have been killed in action" said the aide. "This is not good" thought the general to himself.

From the man...
"It was good that I had some wasp spray and found those little nests around the house. And then I smashed some big roaches in the bathrooms. Funny thing though, they were wearing uniforms just like the ants. Why I do declare..."  ( Note, the man like to use a southern accent on occasion )

It has been fun. The story I told is true, kinda. It has been a crusade of sorts. The idea came to me while standing in front of the house wondering what to do next.
As it happens to me quite often, the story started writing itself.

I had someone ask me at work why I didn't illustrate my story. I declined saying I tried to paint a visual picture of the characters. It has been a very annoying problem with the ants. And it is not over yet. I have gotten some liquid bug and weed products that one hooks up to a water hose. I will use that this weekend.

If things get resolved, there will be an epilogue follow up story.
I had other ideas and characters in mind, but I think it is time to wrap it up. For now...

Thanks for playing along. I hope I made you smile and maybe even laugh a little.

and now reaching for the ever present cup of early morning coffee...

and soon a cup of tea!

ray
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