Monday, August 8, 2011

Do You Think I'm Sexy?

No? You are not alone in that thinking. If you said yes, I would be hard pressed to believe you.

This is an internal rant only. I am pointing only one finger and it is at me.

I feel very much alone right now. I feel over worked and under appreciated, at home and at work.
I feel the need to hire someone for my complaint department.
That person would be overworked and most likely quit.

I hurt everywhere. My knees hurt, my shoulders hurt. I am having trouble sleeping, it is been like this for many weeks. I may be going in for knee surgery soon. But I don't know if it will help, but I have to try. But I show up everyday knowing what I do for a living is hurting me physically and scarring me for the rest of my life.

Not to long ago, I had many a woman hit on me, interested in something more and I turned them all down.
Now they are not interested anymore. I have become a blank face in the crowd. It used to be fun, the flirting,
on both sides, online and in person.

But no more. Silence. No one looks at me romantically. None.

The ones I am attracted to are not receptive. I look for kindness, some beauty, some intelligence mixed in. Is that to much to ask? I think so. I can give back the kindness and intelligence I think, the beauty is for you to judge.

So far any way, my track record is not looking good.

What do I have to offer you might ask? Not much I am afraid. I am 58 going 59. That means. yep. in a year or two I will be sixty years old. Can I wine and dine you? Buy you gifts? Vacation hideaways. No, None of the above. And when you get to a certain age, many women cross you off the list. He is too old. A fact of life.

I don't think I take a picture well or I would show more on line. I have never been described as good looking by anyone. But I have a great sense of humor, I can  make you laugh or I used to anyway.  Apparently that is not enough. Trying to make you laugh on line is very difficult. Much better in person I guess.

I used to think my plusses out did my minuses. Not any more. It has been so long since I got a kiss from a woman, I wouldn't know how to react. A hug, being touched. Sex is definitely not there. Somewhere along the line I lost the ability to romance a woman and have her lust after me, or at least pretend.

All of this is missing from my life.

I am not a man of prestige. I am not a man of title. I am not a man of great respect in the community.  I don't have women hanging on my every word. But I didn't expect that. But it would be nice. ha

But I work hard every day and give my all. That appears to be not enough.

Right now financially it is impossible to move on. I hope that will change.

Does this sound like a bunch of male whining to you? Absolutely. Am I wrong on many things? Who knows?

This post will probably make me lose a few followers after reading it. Some will stick by me. Some won't care either way. I expect comments to be mixed, if any respond at all. Many read but don't respond. That won't change. I am leaving Facebook too. It would appear I am not the social animal either. I give up.

I will answer comments and e mails eventually. Sit tight. If they are angry e mails or comments don't bother.
I need support not more of what I have already.

I have used the word stoic before. I take what life hands me in stride. But eventually there is a health cost.
You can't hide what hurts forever. My happy time moments occur less and less.

I may be gone a few days, maybe a week, I don't know. I had to get this off my chest. If you are supportive, thank you. If you are not, thank you.

Smokey Robinson said it best, "the tears of a clown when no ones around."

I have just done what many a man will not do and that is share my pain. I have no more to offer. If it appears I have issues, who doesn't? If it appears I am an idiot, perception is reality.

I will not write about this again.

ray





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