The urge to create has been building up inside of me for a long time. When you have a job that essentially is designed to move product or help people find a way to to do something, which I do rather well, the moment is fleeting.
Helping someone might take a minute or two as I break down a problem into simple steps and guide them along the right path to completion. Or I sell something which may take 15 minutes or so and they will have something for years, but the interaction fades away over time,
But writing or drawing seems to be a vehicle that allows me to express myself in so many ways. In writing poetry, the words tumble out of my brain on to the screen seemingly with a life of its own. I never have to change anything, I just stop when I am done. When I feel some type of emotion, my writing is then my best, whether to convey disappointment or put myself in the place of another.
Drawing is another outlet rather new to me. After watching others show off their skills, one day I had to try to do something. Many attempts were rather crude and very annoying to me as I knew I could do better then what I was doing. But I took a rather bold step on my part and drew in front of people at work to push myself into getting better. Day after day I would try different things, thumbing through this book and that, trying to get a feel for drawing. Many a day I would wad up and toss my attempts, not satisfied with the results. Or slash line through what I drew in disgust. Then it seemed to get better.
I learned how to tune out distractions. I play my I pod which blocks out people's voices but also the little voice that talks saying I can't do this. I find myself becoming part of the picture I was attempting to draw, immersing my self and becoming part of the drawing, kind of spooky.
I started becoming bolder with my attempts. I now look for anything I think I can draw, the more renown the artist, the more eager i have become to try. I have not yet become good, just better.
I talk with people that draw or paint, trying to get my head around the thought process, a tip here or there and that they have been willing to share with me I am very grateful. It seems that they want me to succeed. A very nice feeling to be sure.
I now draw at home instead of work. I can work longer if need be, picking some hours I can spare to stay in the moment. Some drawings take an hour, some a few days starting and stopping as I wrestle with how to do what I am trying to do. I learn how to do something and a day later have to relearn it.
Some drawings, like the Strange Tree, involve many hours to complete. I worked on that for about 5 hours, unable to stop until it was complete, not wanting to lose the moment. When I finished it, I was exhausted, but pleased. Each drawing I do, I do the best I can and then walk away when I can't do more.
Why do it at all? It is a major feeling of accomplishment to create something from nothing. You are watching me grow, naked to the world on each attempt. For someone someday to say R J is an artist would be the most satisfying thing in the world to me. To make something that will last and endure over time would be sweet. I want to be known for something good. I don't have many years to develop, I don't have that kind of time I fear.
My time is now. The urge to create.
Thanks for listening.