Am I Green With Envy?

I am actually. In the physical sense.  I am referring to the joy of competition. With others, with ones self. Push it to your max, devil may care attitude. Yes I miss it.

When did did it go away? When I got older, family obligations, bills and so on.  I realized that an injury that lead to a loss of time at what ever job I was currently at would cause me great financial loss. Something I could not afford.

Some of the sports I played and enjoyed were ice hockey ( played goalie ), baseball, football, basketball, tennis, squash, racquetball, volleyball ( not the picnic type ), softball, bowling, golf, and could run forever. We had equipment for everything. When we finally had cars, the trunk would look like a sports store.

We tried everything and anything and did well. I was not a star player, just average, but loved to do what we saw on TV. Be like our heros.

Slowly over time, chinks in my sports armor developed, chipping away at something that brought me great joy. Getting older can be cruel in a physical way. Injuries pop up suddenly, take forever to heal or not at all.

I get little joy in watching others, unless it is someone or something I care deeply about. The burning desire smolders now, but it is not out. I still golf, a little. I still want to win. For my self, my own self worth.

I still want that feeling once more, staggering across the finish line, exhausted, hands on knees, gasping for breath, body aching from the effort. a smile on my face, knowing that I did my best, I finished!

I guess it is better to be a has-been instead of a never was. Some how though, that seems hollow.  I still want it. I still want to compete.

Can I go out and play?